3 things I wish I had learned at home but had to learn through books & therapy

     This is just a couple of things, abilities, skills that I wish I had learned through my parents, maybe during my upbringing, but I had to learn later in life as an adult. This is not to say they didn't do a good job or anything around it. They had many things to worry when I was little and simply teaching me this stuff was not on the agenda. 

    Just a little bit of background, I was mostly raised by my grandparents as both my mom and dad where very young (I love that I got to spend a lot of my time with my grandma). Anyways, this was late 90's and onwards. Mind you that they did not have all the access to information that we have nowadays. So, it might seem obvious to teach your kid, but it was not so much then.

    Here we go:

    1. Emotional Intelligence

Neither of my parents knew or taught me this. I had to learn as an adult, I had to struggle with this for around 22 years to understand my emotions, how they are displayed, how they affect my body. It might seem simple, obvious, logical today, yeah, but I did not understand what was going on inside my brain and heart whenever I felt any strong emotions. It is quite simple to grasp this concept and the importance of it in the era we are living(especially after the movie Inside-Out, that explains how emotions work in our brain in a way even the kids can understand). For me, I had to learn the hard way, trial and error, therapy, books. If you also struggle with that. I recommend the book "Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ"

    2. Assertive communication

Picture this, I didn't know what I was feeling and I didn't know how to communicate. Oh, you can guess that my relationships were chaotic, cause they were. I only started having really meaningful and true relationships after I learned these two things. This stage of my life, before learning communication and emotions was characterized by a lot of drama, many episodes of crying, screaming, being desperate to try to explain what was going on. I remember being so frustrated when I tried to talk to my partner and he wouldn't understand my feelings. To learn this I read the amazing book called "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships". After reading it, I used a lot of its advice on communication, I practiced daily to master it and try to improve my relationships. Something that might have influenced is the practice of writing and journaling.

    3. Boundaries

This was something I did not know I had to know, and ever since I started implementing boundaries in my life I have lived an amazing life. Basically, you only go through what you accept. If your partner treats you a certain way, it is because you accept it (this is applicable to normal behaviour, not violence). Let's say they said something that you didn't like, or you didn't like their tone, something that hurt you. You can just say *no, I won't accept that*, and then you either talk to your partner or you leave(if they decide they don't want to change this). I have set boundaries at work, with my friends, with my husband, family... Something I did not know about this, was that you need boundaries for a healthy relationship, I used to think it was the opposite. This was something I learned with my psychologist in therapy, but you can always read more about it, write, talk to a friend. 

If you are curious about it, I recommend the book: Boundaries, Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life.

Please be reminded that these are the things I wish I had learned. Everyone has a different story, a different childhood and different struggles. I just want to write a little bit to those who might be in the same situation I once was. I hope this will bring you some clarity, instruction and help you :)

Books suggestions:

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are 

Master Your Emotions: A Practical Guide to Overcome Negativity and Better Manage Your Feelings

Mindset: Changing The Way You Think To Fulfil Your Potential

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